Posted in Pun Lists

I find this humorous

BigHeadRuinsTheDayAnyone who knows my husband knows he’s constantly making puns. Constantly. 90% of the puns don’t end up here–mostly because I don’t think about it, but also because if I took the time to write down all of his puns I’d have no time for doing things like making supper or doing laundry. There’s just that many. Also, a lot of his puns overlap.

A few weeks ago, we went to Schlitterbahn, a local water park. My husband spent an hour while we waited for our ride telling human-body themed puns. I didn’t write them down at the time, but I am now. Enjoy. Feel free to smack your head against the wall.


How many puns can you think of? Let me know what I missed!


Human Body Themed Puns

  • This will be a lengthy list, but don’t worry. It won’t be weighty.
  • My husband came up with a bunch of these off the top of his head.
  • I have to be careful not to complement him otherwise he’ll get a big head.
  • There’s no one cornea than him.
  • I also have to be careful not to give him a leg up in the world. He already stands ahead of the crowd.
  • He has a real eye for puns, I’ll give him that much. He can really sniff them out.
  • He really nose his stuff.
  • It doesn’t take long to get into it. He already has his foot in the door.
  • I hope I don’t put my foot in my mouth.
  • I hope you can stomach all these puns.
  • If your ears start to bleed then you might kneed to head out. Staying might cost you an arm and a leg.
  • I’m sure you’ll survive by the skin of your teeth.
  • There was a pregnant pause while we came up with more puns.
  • Its not every day that I need his help. I usually don’t have to reach far.
  • Who nose how many puns he can come up with? If he keeps his chin up it won’t be difficult.
  • We probably shouldn’t make two more puns. Three more on the other hand . . . . telling jokes isn’t cool.
  • Coming up with puns is a hard burden to shoulder if you can stomach it.
  • Coming up with puns is easy. You just have to put your back into it.
  • However, anyone can knuckle under this kind of pressure.
  • How many are enough? We’ll just have to eyeball it.
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Posted in Pun Lists

Eye Spy a Pun

eye spyIris a lot telling these puns. I must keep these puns in sight or my eyes will wander.

I see what you did there.

You are new to the art of puns. I will take you as my pupil. There ain’t no one cornea than me.

You could say I have a nose for these things, even if they do smell fishy. These puns are nostril through the park.

I mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later. These puns are getting hairy.

Sounds good to me.

 

Posted in Pun Lists, writing

A Weak Week of Puny Puns

In spite of the title, it has not been a weak week for puny puns. In fact, it has been quite a fruitful week for puns. But that’s what happens when both my brother and my husband gang up on me while on hour-long car-rides.

This week we went through not one but but three pun-offs, each easily lasting thirty minutes. One was tree-themed, another bean/seed themed, and the third was about fences. I wish I could remember half the puns, but there was no way I could withstand the deluge. There was simply too many.

That does not mean I didn’t enjoy myself. I did. It has been much too long since I’d had a long visit with my brother.

Normally, this is where I would attempt to recreate the conversations we had, but I just don’t have the attention span to do it. Not only is it difficult to recreate something that just naturally happens in the course of conversation, but it’s difficult to write when you don’t want to write. And I’ll be frank. I don’t want to write. Besides, if I tried  to recreate the conversations, it would consist of puns you’ve all heard before and me just banging my head against my desk saying to my husband, “oh please, enough already!”

I would much rather be reading instead of writing. There is, right at this very moment, a book in front of me. It’s an anthology, written by R.A. Salvatore, Book One of The Legend of Drizzit. My sister has a box full of books by him, and she’s lent them to me. And yes, they’re good. And no, I don’t want to put it down.

The books weren’t what I expected. I’ve read three so far, and I’m enjoying them immensely. They are fantasy books, straight out of someone’s Dungeons and Dragon’s adventure stories. They are full of action and very well written, but I will say this–don’t go reading the books out of order. You won’t get near as much out of it otherwise.

I am excited to be reading these books. R.A. Salvatore is a prolific author. His books take up entire bookcases in many bookstores. And Dungeons and Dragons, as a game and as a realm, has contributed a lot to the fantasy genre. I am looking forward to learning as much as I can from Mr. Salvatore, and hope to improve my own writing.

Posted in daily life, Pun Lists, writing

How to Work when You Don’t Want to Work

Ever wonder what a day in the life of a writer is like?

Well, let me enlighten you. This is a day in the life of a writer. My general to-do list.

  1. Push snooze for an hour.
  2. Take a shower and kick husband out of bed. It’s time for him to go to work. But you–you take your time getting dressed. After all, you’re not earning a paycheck.
  3. Eat cereal, check email and surf the internet for an hour while watching HGTV.
  4. Prepare your work space. This involves clearing the kitchen table and getting your notes from wherever you stashed them–such as the dryer.
  5. Remember you forgot to start the laundry. Start a load.
  6. Throw away something. Notice the trash needs taking out. Notice you’re still wearing your pjs.
  7. Put on that ratty outfit so you can go take out the trash. You know the outfit I’m talking about–the one that should be in that bag of trash you’re throwing away. Now you really must do some work.
  8. Sit down in front of your computer. Put on some music. Read up on the chapter before to remind yourself of what you need to write today. Put your hands on the keyboard–and realize your hands are most uncomfortably dry.
  9. Repeat step 8. Realize that your hands are now too greasy, on account of having too much lotion. Wash hands.
  10. Repeat step 8. Get a story idea for something else and write it down.
  11. Make lunch/breakfast for husband.
  12. Make lunch/breakfast for self.
  13. Repeat step 3.
  14. Clean kitchen.
  15. Repeat step 8. Admit to self that you have run out of other stuff to do, and actually start writing.
  16. Write.
  17. Make husband do supper. Little Tiffany is being chased by trolls and you simply must finish the scene.
  18. Finish scene.
  19. Blink, realize it’s bedtime and your back hurts and your eyes are gritty. You want to continue writing, but your husband takes your laptop away from you. He then bribes you to bed with a back rub. It works.
  20. Repeat steps 1-19 tomorrow. Have fun and good night.
Posted in Pun Lists

My Husband is the Butt of Many Jokes

dsc01552Two years ago this June (June 14th, 7:30pm, in the Alamo Cafe) my husband asked me to marry him. It is a day I will never forget. He’d snuck my family down from Arkansas, and we spent all week hanging out, eating home cooked meals, and acting like tourists. It was a week full of wooing and romance, full of family and excitement.

This picture, by the way, is a picture of my ring.

But that isn’t the only reason I’ll remember that week. In addition to hanging out with family and making wedding plans, we also went to the hospital. For an, “abscessed buttocks.” Yes, somehow or another, my husband managed to get an sore on his butt. The sore got infected, sent his temperature skyrocketing, and him to the hospital.

But . . . but . . . butt

You could say he was a pain in the butt.

But you see, he just couldn’t take this situation sitting down.

So he became the butt of many jokes.

His humor really sticks. I really shouldn’t spread it around.

He sometimes talks about of his butt. Indeed, his degree is a BS.

Michael’s Humor

Actually, he usually doesn’t stoop so low for a laugh. On that day, the jokes just kept rolling off the tongue, so much so that he had the nurses alternatively laughing or shooting him, “you’re weird,” glances.

He believes that potty humor is the lowest form of humor. After all, you’re not going to find one, “you’re butt’s so big,” joke here. But he is a child at heart, so if someone farts–well, he says it all depends on the context. Given the right setting, he just might view it as a competition, in which case he’ll probably win, since he has no sense of smell.

That lack of smell sometimes helps with my cooking. After all, unless he’s in the same room, he can’t tell when I’ve burnt supper, or when I’m cooking period. It makes surprising him (with food) easy. Easier.

But my husband loves puns. And he has a brain that is as big as Europe. I never try to get into a pun-off with him. I always loose.

 

Posted in daily life, Pun Lists

Our Clogged Up Drier, Part 2

Good News: Our Drier Works!

I have never been happier to do laundry than I have been today. Not only can I do laundry–but I can do it all in one day. All four loads in one day, instead of waiting one day for a single load to dry. Woohoo!

So what was wrong with it?

I talked to the apartment maintenance guys Monday, and they freaked out just enough to make me feel better. After all, none of us wanted to have plumbing problems. So they came over that afternoon and I told them all about the problem. They climbed into the cubbyhole attic above our bedroom–which was fairly amusing to watching. It was a very tiny door they squeezed through, and they were not small guys.

Anyway, an hour later I had my answer: more water in the pipes.

The drier vent goes from the drier, underneath the tub, up the wall, over our bedroom and out of the eves to vent outdoors. Now, back when this thing was being built, someone routed the vent to go under one of the joists. As in, down and then back up, creating a p-trap where no p-trap should ever be. This p-trap allowed water vapor to condense and collect in one spot. Over the years it filled up, completely blocking the pipe.

No wonder I couldn’t get my clothes dry. It’s awfully hard to dry clothes when the air just can’t get out. If it hadn’t been sopping wet, I would have worried about the lint catching on fire.

So the helpful maintenance guys rerouted the pipe to go over the joist instead of under. Now there is no place for water to condense, and our drier works better than it ever did! I don’t even have to run the load twice–it gets completely dry on the first run. Yeah!